Saturday, 13 September 2008

Membuka pekung sendiri

Herm, how to start? Can't think straight, I think this is what people call 'emotional breakdown'. Am I that fragile? Am I that bristle? I don't know. Maybe I'm just a complete jerk from the beginning.

What YOU only know is commenting and getting mad about my deteriorating academic performance. And yet, YOU strike me with numerous emotional attacks YOU might think of. YOU always commented on my not-so-good academic performance but have YOU ever asked me why I can't put my focus on my academic? YOU gave me so much amount of pressure to distract my focus on the thing YOU want me to excel in? Is this fair for me? Have YOU ever know how crushed my heart was when seeing YOU crying on my shoulder due to your favourite daughter's misbehave? Have YOU ever think how much I respect, how much I love about YOU? Do YOU think that by giving me nearly everything I want (car, bike, etc.) is a license for YOU to ignore me right in this suburb of Perak? If this is your way of thinking, please take those back. I do need material support, but emotional support is what I crave for. Maybe I'm not eligible to get that as I'm not the one YOU are proud of. My achievements never receive any recommendation from YOU but when I screwed up, YOU will bash me, hit me real hard. Am I nobody to YOU? If so, just throw me out from this family. There is no point keeping an eye-sore like me. I never made YOU proud. There is no point I'm doing good thing to prevent me from tarnishing your name.

And as for YOU. Do YOU think that YOU are that good to give negative thought about my friend, about the persons who are close to me right now? YOU have lost respect to me, don't you? Have YOU forgotten what have YOU done to your parent? And yet, YOU still have gut to mess up with me? Have YOU ever realized the consequences from your wrongdoing has brought this family down? And now, YOU think that YOU are good enough to talk bad about my friends. YOU have really forgotten about yourself. If YOU can do this to me, let me tell YOU the truth. Do YOU think that the husband of yours is really that good? For me, I never take him as my family, but rather a friend to me. And I still holding grudge to both of YOU. But for the sake of family bond, I never voiced that out. I never expect YOU to do this to me. Maybe I forgot that YOU are the favourite daughter? Despite of everything your parent have done for YOU, YOU still have gut to break their heart. How mean is that? But worry not, they still adore YOU, It is just me who left out. Nevermind, I do not care much about that. YOU want to see me fall apart, be my guest. I'm in the middle of the process now.

And now, to YOU. What are YOU expecting from me? YOU know I'm not that good, but why YOU still want to keep me? Will it be nice if YOU can dump me somewhere? YOU are just treating me like a punching bag. YOU said that YOU will be always with me, but fuck that! YOU never did. I know, I admit that I did something wrong to YOU. And I try to rectify that. I'm working my arse off to serve YOU only the best though YOU never show any appreciation to that. But that is not what I pursuit for. I just want to try to do good things, at least to a person. But it seems I failed. What YOU only know is to bash me when I'm wrong. Worst of all, YOU made everything I do like a big sin. I just do not want to burden YOU with my problems. YOU never made me feel at ease when I voiced out my problem. Sharing my problem with YOU is like asking YOU to stab me in the front. YOU never try to coax me due to your arrogance, instead YOU keep reprimanding me for my problems. YOU treat me like I'm a mutant. So, why don't YOU just leave me alone when I have problem? Just let me fall apart, I know I'm not a good person to YOU, YOU and YOU. Please let me fall apart. Be happy with your life. I'm nobody.

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